galau

October 11th

I had a confusing feeling today.
I don't know how to act normal.
I don't know how this shit happens but from what I know,
yes
I'm jealous.
this afternoon I had a great fun. seriously. thanks to W, I, R, F, agie, N and A.
and special thanks for agie. thank you for being a wonderful friend to me. i feel no lonely anymore everytime you're around. and thank you for all of my friends I mentioned above. because of you guys, for a moment, I could forgot all the problems stuck in my head. thank you.
I really had fun today. playing games, having meal together, laughing one another. i rarely had this kind of feeling ;(.
but
everything changed when she came
i never had the guts to see her face anymore since i tell her the truth about what i feel about her. not to mention the gossips saying that i have some kind of a special relationship with her. made me only get embarrassed everytime i'm around her...
i can't see her face to face. because when i do, it'll trigger the feeling i had about her. love; passion.
i know that i'm not capable enough, i'm not sufficiently enough to be with her. i don't have everything that she wants when she need me. that's why, i never asked her to be with me. i'm afraid that she'll hate me someday. it's just because
i love her so much that i can't see her sad because of me.
i don't want to see her crying. i swear i'll do whatever it takes just to keep her away from crying.

oh god
please
i've had enough of this feeling
i don't want this bad thing occured to me twice

the last time i fell in love with somebody, was when i were in the high school
oh
the beauty of love, blinds me
everyday, i came to the school only to see her. make sure that she's fine and she'll get through the school well.
she's so perfect in my eyes. i believed, not even an angel could be able to change my love to her. to muthia.
i even already asked her to marry me. but of course it won't be on these days. in the future. i'm so happy when she said that she also wanted me to be on her side forever after. i'm sooo relieved ;).
but then
something terrible happened.
her father,
found me as nothing more than just a single guy who wanted to disturb his daughter's attention and education. i was just like a pest, in his mind. need to be get rid of.
and so be it.
her father read the messages i sent to muthia and found me out. he realized that his daughter is going out with a guy. muthia was grounded and forbid to going out with me again.
i nearly desperate in those weeks
i cannot concentrate in everything that i do. i cried everytime i had a chance.
i know that i'm a man, but what's wrong with man crying?
it's an expression of a sadness.
i loved her so much
but then of course muthia wanted to end our relationship since she didn't want to become a bad girl.
i can't do something about it
eventhough she said that i'll be able to find somebody else who's better than her but still, all that i want, is her. no one else.

high school is now just a past. let's just have it as our teacher that taught us a great lessons..
i met this other girl
at first, i don't have any feeling to her. but as the time goes by, i started to again, fell in love...
but this time i have a great experience as my teacher. I'M A GROWN UP NOW. i can't treat her the same way as i did to muthia.
muthia is now nothing more than just a past to me.
i have to move on, by the way.
but unfortunately, their name was so similar. i feel some kind of a dejavu everytime i mentioned her name. reminds me of muthia.
but this girl is rather different than muthia of course.
in some way, she's better. in other way, she's not better than muthia.
what i liked from her is that she is a caring person. she doesn't pick her 0friends, she could fit to any kind of environment that she's in. she's so flexible. and what i don't like from her is that she cannot differ on who she could love and who she can only guess as friend.
i started to fall in love to her.
i want to do everything with her.
i don't want to get too far from her.
i want to protect her fragile body,
i want to be with her when she cry.
i want to be with her when she laugh.
but then i realized,
i'm not the only one that's in her heart.
of course
that makes me sad...
i can't believe that for every attention, for everything that i show and give to her, cannot convince her that i really, deeply, madly, passionately in love with her..
and then
something even worse happen,
she's going out with another guy.
i won't be bothered if it's just merely a guy. but this is different.
he is her boyfriend now.
and this afternoon,
like i said before,
i cannot act normal.
i don't understand how can she be so calm in front of me.
in front of someone that she used to care about.
that she used to made a promises with to go out somewhere together...
we even already planned to go home to jakarta together through my bike.
have an adventurous journey together..
is that all just a empty words for her?
coz if it is,
she's already succeeded to fool me.


i
i dont understand..
i'm dissapointed...